Many people think citizenship is a complicated process. They’re wrong.

Becoming a legal citizen of the greatest country in the world is easier than it has ever been. Well, not actually. It’s the same. Because getting into America has always required one thing, and just one thing: getting knocked TF up.

For many immigrants to the United States, this feels like fighting a demon with your bare hands and not getting anywhere. It’s stressful, and that stress is enough to make even the highschool valedictorian start smoking crack. But, if you can make it through this stressful process, your rewards will be much better than you can even imagine. You’ll get privileges like voting, international travel, and being free without feeling like a dirty little crack boy (or girl, for you ladies).

Besides, obtaining other stress-free benefits like buying weed from your trusted local dealer or going to the gas station to buy some cold cans of good old American beer, you will no longer have to fear police pulling you over in your 1990’s Oldsmobile to say, “You’re deported, you dirty illegal alien.“

I mean, who wants that? Well, unfortunately, this happens to many immigrants every year. How many? God, you’re so nosey. To be exact (your majesty), about 250k of them a year. And I know what you’re thinking: yes it sucks, and this is a situation you’d never wish on your worst enemy. In a situation like this, it can be easy to feel your internal system is literally about to shut down. My cousin, Aldo, described it like this:

“Imagine you were in love with a girl for more than 30 years. You’ve shared every moment with each other and unconditionally loved one another. Then, one happy morning, you go out to Publix to buy some eggs and sausage to cook your anniversary breakfast. You’re only gone twenty minutes, but you step back into the house and you find your wife straddling some nasty-assed bush wookiee on the bed you just left.”

This is the same feeling you would get, and that many others get, on a daily basis when being deported. It doesn’t feel nice. You may even feel just a little betrayed.

To avoid a situation like this, you need a safer, better, more interesting and more effective route. This is why you need to follow this master guide and turn your illegal alien self into a legal alien.

Before we throw some gravy on this biscuit, let’s get educated on the process of becoming legal in this great land of opportunity. This process is known as citizenship through naturalization, and this is how it works.

Take Christianity as an example: in order for someone to become Christian, they have to go through a ritual known as baptism. A church official prays for the person, explains their new life as a Christian and the rules that come with that, and then anoints them with holy water.

Basically to become a citizen of the United States is kind of the same as a baptism only you won’t be dipping your head into any holy water. There are other rituals you’ll take part in, instead, to meet the criteria, such as completing an application, attending an interview, and passing an English and civics test.

Upon the successful completion of these ritual steps, you, the applicant, takes an oath of allegiance and, if you don’t shit the bed, becomes a citizen.

So, now that you know how the ‘becoming a citizen’ process works, we can take a closer look at some of the early steps to getting started:

The Tools You Will Need to Get Started!

1. Ability to speak English — (If you happen to not speak English, do yourself a favor and download Duolingo. You can learn English pretty fast. My 2nd cousin, Ronaldo, learned English just in 8 hours and he still took a lunch break to spark up a doobie. Shiiiitt… I wish I had that when I was first learning the language, I was reading purchase receipts).
2. Basic Social Skills — (Yeah you don’t need to get a master’s degree in college to acquire this skill. You can just Google it, or watch some TED Talk videos on YouTube. It’s all for FREE).
3. Decent Smart Phone — (The next tool you will need will require you to have a decent phone that’s not dumb. It needs to be compatible with Apps in the digital market. If you don’t have one because you don’t have enough money, you can order one from China for under $100. And please don’t go selling any Drugs or throwing yourself on the stripper pole to make money. It’s not classy. But, hey, God gave us the freedom of will, so whatever floats your boat, man).
4. Download Bumble — (If you made it this far, congratulations! Bumble is a location-based dating application that lets you meet a lot of horny locals. Please don’t confuse this with porn, this is a professional App. And you will not find people doing weird stuff like The Cleveland steamer. Hunghh… DISGUSTING. The idea behind Bumble is to meet your opposite sex and formulate a bond. Some people go there to hook up for the night while some are looking for a relationship, but deep down every human wants to be loved, so that is what you will be giving away).
5. Actually Go on The Date — (After you have matched with a few girls and you have had a good conversation for a few days in a row, you’re gonna have to step out of your turtle shell, AKA the comfort zone, and actually ask that girl out on the date. Chances are she will say YES. 98% of girls don’t reject the guys they have engaged in conversation with more than a few times).
6. Plant The Seed — (The next step is for you to actually get to know the person and see if you like them. If you don’t, no biggie. Get your Bumble out and repeat step 5, player. Do this until one of them meets your vision. Once you have built a rapport, and you like your partner and they like you, it’s time to plant the seed. Literally. If you are a dude, plant it. If you are a girl, let the dude plant it. One of you is going to be doing some gardening, that’s what I’m trying to say.
   
   Once there is a kid, the relationship will get stronger (this is a fact) and continue to advance. One day, it will lead to the most amazing moment anyone could ask for: marriage).

Now you may be getting your information from anywhere. Online forums. Communities. Blogs and news articles. But, once you find the man or woman of your American dreams, marriage will unite you and grant you the opportunity to be part of God’s Country.

Now, just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. Don’t be a wild animal and think you can just marry Mr. United States overnight. You can’t acquire that badge of honor automatically with just a marriage certificate. And don’t believe your buddy, George, who told you that you could just do it because he read about someone doing it in rural Alabama in the 60s. George is a liar. George doesn’t care about your dreams. Those sounds you hear at night are coming from under George’s house, and they sound human.

By marrying someone (for love) who happens to be a U.S. citizen (a citizen of love), you’ll expedite your own path to love citizenship. And regular citizenship. But the illegal alien will still need to wait several months to actually receive the great gift of all holy blessings: ‘a green card’. And, even then, it may take several years to actually become eligible to apply for citizenship.

Nothing that lasts comes easy, pal. If you aren’t dedicated to successfully following the rules and steps, however, you will end up with your balls in your hands, which is right back where you started. You hold your balls, too much, man. This is out of control. We don’t want to discuss it. Just…ew! Fix your shit.

But I digress (digross). To put it simply, the process goes a little something like this:

• Start By Being Eligible — (You can’t run a race if you’ve got no feet. Make sure you meet the requirements for citizenship before you start the next steps. If you don’t, stop reading blogs, put your pants back on, and go make a plan). We’ll be here when you get back, numbnuts.
• Apply For Naturalization — (By now, you hopefully meet the minimum eligibility requirements for being a citizen, but you’re still going to need to apply for naturalization itself, you lazy bastard. Remember the baptism process we talked about earlier? This is that!) 
• Interview and take the citizenship test — (During your interview with an immigration official, you will be asked to take the citizenship test. Basically, the test is not too hard. I know 6th graders who can answer these questions, so you should be fine. What? Why do I know so many 6th graders? I have a lot of nieces and nephews, and those kids are dumb as rocks, so you’ll be fine.
  
  Here, you will be asked about your citizenship application, marriage, and background. If your interview happens to go well, you will move onto the next step, where you will take an English and civics test).
• Swear allegiance — (In the final step, you’ll take an Oath of Allegiance to the United States. I have nothing funny to say about this. It’s a serious business. Also, if you can’t get that right, Uncle Sam drops out of the sky and kicks your ass in front of all your friends, so study up!)

Now that we’ve gotten the hard part out of the way, let’s jump right into the smelly butt crack that is connecting all of these pieces. At this point I am assuming you have the ability to speak English, you have acquired the basic social skills, purchased the Chinese smartphone, and gotten everything ready to move on to the next step: downloading the App that makes the magic happen.

How to Download Bumble?

1. Go to Android’s Marketplace or Apple’s App Store.
2. Type “Bumble” in the search bar.
3. Click Download

View the screenshot guidance below:

After you have successfully downloaded the app, we’re going to have to get one thing straight. Before we dip our noodle into the complex and beautiful world of online dating, remember one thing: swiping left and right is not dating. Matching with someone is not dating, and chatting them is in no way dating. Clear on that, sparky? Good! Dating is the only thing that counts as dating, and matching with a dozen people and hitting up their inboxes doesn’t translate into dating. You can have a great time flirting around and meeting new people but you’re not really doing what you want to do, which is to meet people in person and jump into the world of relationships with both feet.

You need to nut up or shut up. This is a trick every dating App plays on its users. You’ll quickly meet people, chat with them, share stories, and feel like “Yeah! This is going well!” But, when it comes to actually meeting that person in person, it’s never as easy as just matching.

But just because something is hard, doesn’t mean you should sit back and not face it. The only person who gets to not face things is someone without a face, and I can see yours right through this blog post I’m writing.

And the good news is it can be done! In fact, tons of people get on Bumble and convert each other as dates every week. My fat uncle Alberto actually met his girlfriend on Bumble, and they got married in 2011. I mean, six months later, he found her making goat cheese in their hallway closet with something that wasn’t goat milk. They got divorced soon after that, uncle Alberto converted to Buddhism, and now he lives in the Himalayas with a group of rice-growing monks. He writes sometimes, but that’s not the point. The point is, Bumble is great and goat cheese is not to be trusted.

So let’s break down how to use Bumble to actually get dates that go somewhere. Here are a few powerful strategies:

Step 1: Set Up Your Profile Properly!

I know setting up a dating profile can seem about as painful as getting your teeth pulled without any anesthetic. Since your objective is to meet people who are actually interested in dating your stanky ass, though, it’s important.

Here’s what makes a great profile: good profile photos and a great Bumble bio. And, when I say a “great” bio, I mean “great“. This needs to sell you as the single greatest date anywhere in the world, capable of moving mountains and buying islands. Or at least paying for dinner. You want to demonstrate value to people who may be interested in actually dating you.

This increases your chances of conversion! Moreover, it’s just a great way to seal the deal!

Once you are inside, update your profile information immediately. Don’t waste time building up to it, just wade in and start filling out everything you can.

The following are a few great examples of the type of profile photos you should have so women don’t think you are some creepy weirdo.

Got some good photos of yourself? Good, I thought you’d take all day. And remember: if you aren’t happy with the way you look, online marketplaces like Fiverr and Yupe can make look better than any other supermodel in the world for as little as $5.

Now, your next key component is a halfway decent profile bio that says “Hi. Date me. I won’t steal all of your stuff and kick your dog while you’re asleep.” Believe me – people love their dogs. You want to make that clear, right away.

Take a look at what Pancho’s got cooking below:

Step 2: Swipe and match.

Like I mentioned earlier, swiping is the early part of this operation. Swipe right on those you think aren’t worthy of your magical sexy parts and left on those for whom you would eat your way to their heart and watch the damn magic manifest in reality.

Did I mention Bumble becomes literally a full-time job? Once you start getting a few matches, you’re inside the algorithm, Capitan Hook. You’re going to get tons and tons of new matches on an hourly basis. Your phone will be so busy with notifications, you’re going to need to hire an old saggy grandma with a wrinkly skin to help with qualifying all the leads coming your way.

Now, if you’re not getting a lot of matches, on the other hand, you’ve got to go on a swiping spree. Don’t be too picky with the people you match with either. Swipe until you can’t swipe no more, then swipe even more than that, you little swiper.

Step 3: Start a conversation.

You don’t have to be a heterosexual to spark up a conversation on Bumble. You’ve just got to grow some balls, keep your objective in mind to start one, and just go for it! This attitude will also benefit you on your way to success, once you’ve set up and started living the American dream.

Look online, and you’ll find so many blogs written about how to start a great Bumble opening line. But the real art of getting your match’s attention is to say something more than just “Hi” or “Hey”. Those are boring and will just set you up for failure.

Here is a list of great openers:

• “Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?“
• “Life without matching with you would be like a broken pencil… pointless.“
• “We’re not socks. But I think we’d make a great pair.“
• “If a fat man puts you in a bag tonight, don’t worry: I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.“
• “If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart. As well as giving you my other organ “
• “On a scale from 1 to 10, you’re a 9… And I’m the 1 you need.“
• “Remember me?” [[She will say ‘no’. Then reply]]: “Oh, that’s right. I’ve met you only in my dreams.“
• “Wow, when God made you he was definitely showing off.“
• “You sure your name is not Wi-fi? Because I’m really feeling a connection.“
• “If looks could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.“
• “If you were a fruit you’d be a fineapple.“
• “Did you swallow magnets? Cause you’re attractive.“
• “Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?”
• “Do you believe in love at first swipe?“

Snatch one of these bad boy pickup lines and inject it as your opening line. Do not compliment the person – everyone else does the same shit and you will be moved right into the pet zone, which is even worse than the friend zone and, believe me when I say this, you do not want to go there.

Also, do not be one of those formal jackasses. This is not a business conference, and you trying to slide inside and act formally makes people put up their shields. Don’t be asking some weird-ass questions, either, as that’s a red flag for creepy weirdos.

Here’s how one of my conversations went the last time I was out pimping on Bumble:

Me: You don’t know how many times I had to swipe left to find you!

Girl: That’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard someone say to me ?

Me: Oh wow, your profile says your 69 miles away, Well that’s ironic…

Girl: OMG ? You’re funny!

Girl: What are you doing tonight?

Me: You ?

Girl: Sounds like a plan to me!

Me: Does this mean we’re dating now? Give me a second, I need to change my Facebook relationship status.

Girl: Good cuz, I already changed mine.

Step 4: Establish a good back and forth.

Like you just saw in my previous message with some dirty Bumble skunk, Malissa, once you get a reply back from the person you just messaged, keep the conversation going. You can do this by flirting deeper and, as long as you have good profile photos of yourself, women won’t see you as some weird old man trying to get some young donuts.

And please don’t be that boring slob who asks ridiculous questions to try to keep the conversation active. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. Those questions you ask your 5th cousin on family parties, “Where are you from?” or “What do you do for fun?” And, the worst of all: “What do you do for a living?”

Yeah, you won’t be getting shit with lines like these. You will have better luck with those questions with a street skank in your hood town than someone you’re trying to convert from Bumble.

If you sparked up a convo and you see it’s starting to die down, keep in mind: the best Bumble conversations are when two people are chatting quickly. One idea moves to the next, and the next thing you know, you guys are kissing underneath the mistletoe. The more people you chat with, the more you will master the skill of engagement, so don’t be afraid: take the chance and go for it, little one.

Step 5: Ask for the date.

Here’s the greatest tip you’ll ever get: humans love comfort. If you want to get anything worthwhile done, though, you have to forget the comfort. That’s not how your mother brought you into this world. No sir, she was feeling uncomfortable the whole time, pushing that big head of yours out of her ‘vagine’. But, in order for her to pop you out, she had to step out of the comfort zone and do what was not comfortable.

Basically, this is what it takes to move on to the next step. Chatting with a girl and holding up a great conversation is good and all but, after all, if you don’t ask them out, you’re pretty much asking for the ‘pet zone’ treatment.

There are a million different ways you can ask someone out on Bumble. If you don’t know how, why don’t you check out my conversation with this chick, Natalie.

[And, yeah: she was one hot Bumblebae]

Me: I’ve had a crush on you for the last hour.

Natalie: Oh wow: you putting me pretty up there on the scale huh?

Me: What can I say, I normally go for 8s but I guess I’ll settle for a 10 😀

Natalie: Sounds like you’re settling up to me.

Me: That’s not the only thing that’s up.

Natalie: Big talk from behind a keyboard.

Me: You’ll have to let me show you in person. Say, next Thursday?

Natalie: What do you wanna do?

Me: Besides “Natalie”? We could start with drinks at Ocean Pub.

Natalie: I love Ocean Pub. You’ve got yourself a date, sir!

As you can see, what gets the job done is simplicity. That’s right, this is something they just don’t teach in society, nowadays, but it’s all it takes to seal the deal.

Now, if they just aren’t interested in you, don’t go hitting up your depressed friends to get drunk or go to the strip club to spend your evening hanging out with weird sluts and crackheads. Be a smart human being and learn to move on.

It’s not a big deal. Repeat after me: “Thanks for the good convo.” Then move the F* on to the next person. You’ve still got quite the list to get through. Now, if every single one of them rejects you, we’ve got a problem. Well, you do.

At this point, you have everything necessary to justify giving up and just going with the same sex. It’s clearly meant to be. (JK. Keep swiping ’til one of them goes through your sales funnel. Eventually, you will succeed if you persist).

Now, for the things you never do. And, when I say this, open your damn ears and listen to me like you mean it: Do not keep chatting with someone off and on for weeks and weeks. You will never get the chance to make that person your next date. She will forget about you and your intentions of love with her and her interests will disappear entirely. She’ll move on to someone else who is not setting themselves up as her personal dog.

If you think you had a pretty good convo with her, take action and ask them out. If it doesn’t work, it probably wasn’t as good of a convo as you thought.

Step 6: Nail down the logistics.

If your mom didn’t teach you this I will: at the end of the day, you are asking someone out on a date via an app. It is best to make plans for the week you’re currently in. Don’t wait like a year when you have plenty of great momentum with this person right now.

So be a good damn leader (and, no, Hilter is a terrible example), and plan something like grabbing a simple drink as soon as possible. Do not take the damn person to a club, either, they’re going to think you are a slut or a true man whore. Go to the bar for one or two softies, or coffee. For this last one, I do not recommend Dunkin’ Donuts. Terrible coffee that makes people shit on the floor. If your stomach is strong, wonderful. But you don’t know if your future partner’s stomach is strong enough to resist the force of a coffee flavored shit slide rushing out of them at 50 MPH. He or she might get schwifty, right there in the middle of the old DD and, trust me, you do not want that. Not even Rick Sanchez would recommend that.

So plan something that best fits in with your week’s schedule and roll with it. Since you are the one asking for the date, do not look like a loser and have your future partner pick where you guys go. You’re going to look like a dumb bag.

Have few ideas in mind or, if you’re brain-damaged (and there there are many of them around), ask your best friend ‘Siri’ or Android’s ‘Cortana’ to Google “What to do around + [your city]”. This will give you a list of local blogs to help you navigate what to do in your area. Show your leadership and don’t be a little b*tch.

Step 7: Keep it fresh.

Once you have both agreed on a spot for your magical time together, do not be a savage animal from the Amazon jungle and ghost the person. And do not be a little needy ass, texting and chatting with the person every day leading up to the date. Only text on the very last day before the date.

Step 8: Show up.

Okay, it’s the big day. Do or die time. Do not screw the pooch and infect me with ebola okay, you guys. I’ve worked so hard to get you here. This is the moment where you rise or completely put all my hard work and sweat down into a rat sewer. Believe me when I say, I’m not going to take shit from you on this – hell no. I will beat your ass with my grandma’s 72 years old World War II flipflops. I’ve learned many hard lessons from that goddamned flip flop — that thing wrapped this ass for most of my childhood.

Don’t puss out on the last day and not show up. This is the part where everything starts to make sense. It is important. Whatever you do, do not think of this as a super big deal because your ass is going to be sweating, and that’s never good. We need to keep things dry and under the control (especially your ass). Show up, hug the person hello, and get down to business. Tell that person how excited you are to meet them. How great they look. Don’t make stuff awkward. Stop it. I can see you making it awkward. Roll with the conversation and think of that person as if you’ve known them for a very long time. This will put out the energy you want that person to swallow.

Remember, kid: no matter how things go here, you have already tasted success by converting that person from the app. The fact that you guys are sitting together in a bar looking at each other — that’s the win.

Great job, buddy. You should be proud of yourself and no I am not sucking you off to build your confidence, put your dick back in your pants. I am telling you the truth. The truth no one wants to say is that Bumble is easy. Swiping, matching and chatting are all easy. But actually getting someone to come out on a date… well, that’s the hard part, isn’t it? It’s going to take some practice. The more you practice, the more experience you will get. The more experience you make for yourself, the more confident you will be on your next date.

And, if your date doesn’t work out, take your phone right back out and convert another one. You’ve got everything you need to do this over and over until one works for you. And, even if she wasn’t the right fit, you’ve already forgotten all about her dumb ass, right?

Right.

The next steps are all pretty simple. Get pregnant. Get married. Get documented. Get that American dream. It’s all laid out in the law and completely above board. The only people who seem to ever have a problem with it also seem like the kind of people not getting any sex to begin with, so don’t worry about their opinions.

As the New American Economy puts it: “[A large undocumented population] is a problem for society. It undermines law and order, permits a shadow economy that is harder to regulate, and is simply unfair to the millions of immigrants who have come here legally.”

What more American solution is there to this problem than to get legalized, come on over and start a family? Well? Don’t just stand there with your dick in your hands – to the Bumblecave!

Disclaimer: The information provided here is not intended to constitute legal advice. All information, content, and material on this site are for general informational purposes only. For immigration information, please consult with a real lawyer and not my dumb ass.