Many people think citizenship is a complicated process. They’re wrong.
Becoming a legal citizen of the greatest country in the world is easier than it has ever been. Well, not actually. It’s the same. Because getting into America has always required one thing, and just one thing: getting knocked TF up.
For many immigrants to the United States, this feels like fighting a demon with your bare hands and not getting anywhere. It’s stressful, and that stress is enough to make even the highschool valedictorian start smoking crack. But, if you can make it through this stressful process, your rewards will be much better than you can even imagine. You’ll get privileges like voting, international travel, and being free without feeling like a dirty little crack boy (or girl, for you ladies).
Besides, obtaining other stress-free benefits like buying weed from your trusted local dealer or going to the gas station to buy some cold cans of good old American beer, you will no longer have to fear police pulling you over in your 1990’s Oldsmobile to say, “You’re deported, you dirty illegal alien.“
I mean, who wants that? Well, unfortunately, this happens to many immigrants every year. How many? God, you’re so nosey. To be exact (your majesty), about 250k of them a year. And I know what you’re thinking: yes it sucks, and this is a situation you’d never wish on your worst enemy. In a situation like this, it can be easy to feel your internal system is literally about to shut down. My cousin, Aldo, described it like this:
“Imagine you were in love with a girl for more than 30 years. You’ve shared every moment with each other and unconditionally loved one another. Then, one happy morning, you go out to Publix to buy some eggs and sausage to cook your anniversary breakfast. You’re only gone twenty minutes, but you step back into the house and you find your wife straddling some nasty-assed bush wookiee on the bed you just left.”
This is the same feeling you would get, and that many others get, on a daily basis when being deported. It doesn’t feel nice. You may even feel just a little betrayed.
To avoid a situation like this, you need a safer, better, more interesting and more effective route. This is why you need to follow this master guide and turn your illegal alien self into a legal alien.
Before we throw some gravy on this biscuit, let’s get educated on the process of becoming legal in this great land of opportunity. This process is known as citizenship through naturalization, and this is how it works.
Take Christianity as an example: in order for someone to become Christian, they have to go through a ritual known as baptism. A church official prays for the person, explains their new life as a Christian and the rules that come with that, and then anoints them with holy water.
Basically to become a citizen of the United States is kind of the same as a baptism only you won’t be dipping your head into any holy water. There are other rituals you’ll take part in, instead, to meet the criteria, such as completing an application, attending an interview, and passing an English and civics test.
Upon the successful completion of these ritual steps, you, the applicant, takes an oath of allegiance and, if you don’t shit the bed, becomes a citizen.
So, now that you know how the ‘becoming a citizen’ process works, we can take a closer look at some of the early steps to getting started:
The Tools You Will Need to Get Started!
- Ability to speak English — (If you happen to not speak English, do yourself a favor and download Duolingo. You can learn English pretty fast. My 2nd cousin, Ronaldo, learned English just in 8 hours and he still took a lunch break to spark up a doobie. Shiiiitt… I wish I had that when I was first learning the language, I was reading purchase receipts).
- Basic Social Skills — (Yeah you don’t need to get a master’s degree in college to acquire this skill. You can just Google it, or watch some TED Talk videos on YouTube. It’s all for FREE).
- Decent Smart Phone — (The next tool you will need will require you to have a decent phone that’s not dumb. It needs to be compatible with Apps in the digital market. If you don’t have one because you don’t have enough money, you can order one from China for under $100. And please don’t go selling any Drugs or throwing yourself on the stripper pole to make money. It’s not classy. But, hey, God gave us the freedom of will, so whatever floats your boat, man).
- Download Bumble — (If you made it this far, congratulations! Bumble is a location-based dating application that lets you meet a lot of horny locals. Please don’t confuse this with porn, this is a professional App. And you will not find people doing weird stuff like The Cleveland steamer. Hunghh… DISGUSTING. The idea behind Bumble is to meet your opposite sex and formulate a bond. Some people go there to hook up for the night while some are looking for a relationship, but deep down every human wants to be loved, so that is what you will be giving away).
- Actually Go on The Date — (After you have matched with a few girls and you have had a good conversation for a few days in a row, you’re gonna have to step out of your turtle shell, AKA the comfort zone, and actually ask that girl out on the date. Chances are she will say YES. 98% of girls don’t reject the guys they have engaged in conversation with more than a few times).
- Plant The Seed — (The next step is for you to actually get to know the person and see if you like them. If you don’t, no biggie. Get your Bumble out and repeat step 5, player. Do this until one of them meets your vision. Once you have built a rapport, and you like your partner and they like you, it’s time to plant the seed. Literally. If you are a dude, plant it. If you are a girl, let the dude plant it. One of you is going to be doing some gardening, that’s what I’m trying to say.
Once there is a kid, the relationship will get stronger (this is a fact) and continue to advance. One day, it will lead to the most amazing moment anyone could ask for: marriage).
Now you may be getting your information from anywhere. Online forums. Communities. Blogs and news articles. But, once you find the man or woman of your American dreams, marriage will unite you and grant you the opportunity to be part of God’s Country.
Now, just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. Don’t be a wild animal and think you can just marry Mr. United States overnight. You can’t acquire that badge of honor automatically with just a marriage certificate. And don’t believe your buddy, George, who told you that you could just do it because he read about someone doing it in rural Alabama in the 60s. George is a liar. George doesn’t care about your dreams. Those sounds you hear at night are coming from under George’s house, and they sound human.
By marrying someone (for love) who happens to be a U.S. citizen (a citizen of love), you’ll expedite your own path to love citizenship. And regular citizenship. But the illegal alien will still need to wait several months to actually receive the great gift of all holy blessings: ‘a green card’. And, even then, it may take several years to actually become eligible to apply for citizenship.
Nothing that lasts comes easy, pal. If you aren’t dedicated to successfully following the rules and steps, however, you will end up with your balls in your hands, which is right back where you started. You hold your balls, too much, man. This is out of control. We don’t want to discuss it. Just…ew! Fix your shit.
But I digress (digross). To put it simply, the process goes a little something like this:
- Start By Being Eligible — (You can’t run a race if you’ve got no feet. Make sure you meet the requirements for citizenship before you start the next steps. If you don’t, stop reading blogs, put your pants back on, and go make a plan). We’ll be here when you get back, numbnuts.
- Apply For Naturalization — (By now, you hopefully meet the minimum eligibility requirements for being a citizen, but you’re still going to need to apply for naturalization itself, you lazy bastard. Remember the baptism process we talked about earlier? This is that!)
- Interview and take the citizenship test — (During your interview with an immigration official, you will be asked to take the citizenship test. Basically, the test is not too hard. I know 6th graders who can answer these questions, so you should be fine. What? Why do I know so many 6th graders? I have a lot of nieces and nephews, and those kids are dumb as rocks, so you’ll be fine.
Here, you will be asked about your citizenship application, marriage, and background. If your interview happens to go well, you will move onto the next step, where you will take an English and civics test).
- Swear allegiance — (In the final step, you’ll take an Oath of Allegiance to the United States. I have nothing funny to say about this. It’s a serious business. Also, if you can’t get that right, Uncle Sam drops out of the sky and kicks your ass in front of all your friends, so study up!)
Now that we’ve gotten the hard part out of the way, let’s jump right into the smelly butt crack that is connecting all of these pieces. At this point I am assuming you have the ability to speak English, you have acquired the basic social skills, purchased the Chinese smartphone, and gotten everything ready to move on to the next step: downloading the App that makes the magic happen.
How to Download Bumble?
View the screenshot guidance below:
After you have successfully downloaded the app, we’re going to have to get one thing straight. Before we dip our noodle into the complex and beautiful world of online dating, remember one thing: swiping left and right is not dating. Matching with someone is not dating, and chatting them is in no way dating. Clear on that, sparky? Good! Dating is the only thing that counts as dating, and matching with a dozen people and hitting up their inboxes doesn’t translate into dating. You can have a great time flirting around and meeting new people but you’re not really doing what you want to do, which is to meet people in person and jump into the world of relationships with both feet.
You need to nut up or shut up. This is a trick every dating App plays on its users. You’ll quickly meet people, chat with them, share stories, and feel like “Yeah! This is going well!” But, when it comes to actually meeting that person in person, it’s never as easy as just matching.
But just because something is hard, doesn’t mean you should sit back and not face it. The only person who gets to not face things is someone without a face, and I can see yours right through this blog post I’m writing.
And the good news is it can be done! In fact, tons of people get on Bumble and convert each other as dates every week. My fat uncle Alberto actually met his girlfriend on Bumble, and they got married in 2011. I mean, six months later, he found her making goat cheese in their hallway closet with something that wasn’t goat milk. They got divorced soon after that, uncle Alberto converted to Buddhism, and now he lives in the Himalayas with a group of rice-growing monks. He writes sometimes, but that’s not the point. The point is, Bumble is great and goat cheese is not to be trusted.
So let’s break down how to use Bumble to actually get dates that go somewhere. Here are a few powerful strategies:
Step 1: Set Up Your Profile Properly!
I know setting up a dating profile can seem about as painful as getting your teeth pulled without any anesthetic. Since your objective is to meet people who are actually interested in dating your stanky ass, though, it’s important.
Here’s what makes a great profile: good profile photos and a great Bumble bio. And, when I say a “great” bio, I mean “great“. This needs to sell you as the single greatest date anywhere in the world, capable of moving mountains and buying islands. Or at least paying for dinner. You want to demonstrate value to people who may be interested in actually dating you.
This increases your chances of conversion! Moreover, it’s just a great way to seal the deal!
Once you are inside, update your profile information immediately. Don’t waste time building up to it, just wade in and start filling out everything you can.
The following are a few great examples of the type of profile photos you should have so women don’t think you are some creepy weirdo.
Got some good photos of yourself? Good, I thought you’d take all day. And remember: if you aren’t happy with the way you look, online marketplaces like Fiverr and Yupe can make look better than any other supermodel in the world for as little as $5.
Now, your next key component is a halfway decent profile bio that says “Hi. Date me. I won’t steal all of your stuff and kick your dog while you’re asleep.” Believe me – people love their dogs. You want to make that clear, right away.
Take a look at what Pancho’s got cooking below:
Step 2: Swipe and match.
Like I mentioned earlier, swiping is the early part of this operation. Swipe right on those you think aren’t worthy of your magical sexy parts and left on those for whom you would eat your way to their heart and watch the damn magic manifest in reality.
Did I mention Bumble becomes literally a full-time job? Once you start getting a few matches, you’re inside the algorithm, Capitan Hook. You’re going to get tons and tons of new matches on an hourly basis. Your phone will be so busy with notifications, you’re going to need to hire an old saggy grandma with a wrinkly skin to help with qualifying all the leads coming your way.
Now, if you’re not getting a lot of matches, on the other hand, you’ve got to go on a swiping spree. Don’t be too picky with the people you match with either. Swipe until you can’t swipe no more, then swipe even more than that, you little swiper.
Step 3: Start a conversation.
You don’t have to be a heterosexual to spark up a conversation on Bumble. You’ve just got to grow some balls, keep your objective in mind to start one, and just go for it! This attitude will also benefit you on your way to success, once you’ve set up and started living the American dream.
Look online, and you’ll find so many blogs written about how to start a great Bumble opening line. But the real art of getting your match’s attention is to say something more than just “Hi” or “Hey”. Those are boring and will just set you up for failure.
Here is a list of great openers:
- “Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?“
- “Life without matching with you would be like a broken pencil… pointless.“
- “We’re not socks. But I think we’d make a great pair.“
- “If a fat man puts you in a bag tonight, don’t worry: I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.“
- “If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart. As well as giving you my other organ “
- “On a scale from 1 to 10, you’re a 9… And I’m the 1 you need.“
- “Remember me?” [[She will say ‘no’. Then reply]]: “Oh, that’s right. I’ve met you only in my dreams.“
- “Wow, when God made you he was definitely showing off.“
- “You sure your name is not Wi-fi? Because I’m really feeling a connection.“
- “If looks could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.“
- “If you were a fruit you’d be a fineapple.“
- “Did you swallow magnets? Cause you’re attractive.“
- “Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?”
- “Do you believe in love at first swipe?“
Snatch one of these bad boy pickup lines and inject it as your opening line. Do not compliment the person – everyone else does the same shit and you will be moved right into the pet zone, which is even worse than the friend zone and, believe me when I say this, you do not want to go there.
Also, do not be one of those formal jackasses. This is not a business conference, and you trying to slide inside and act formally makes people put up their shields. Don’t be asking some weird-ass questions, either, as that’s a red flag for creepy weirdos.
Here’s how one of my conversations went the last time I was out pimping on Bumble:
Me: You don’t know how many times I had to swipe left to find you!
Girl: That’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard someone say to me ?
Me: Oh wow, your profile says your 69 miles away, Well that’s ironic…
Girl: OMG ? You’re funny!
Girl: What are you doing tonight?
Me: You ?
Girl: Sounds like a plan to me!
Me: Does this mean we’re dating now? Give me a second, I need to change my Facebook relationship status.
Girl: Good cuz, I already changed mine.
Step 4: Establish a good back and forth.
Like you just saw in my previous message with some dirty Bumble skunk, Malissa, once you get a reply back from the person you just messaged, keep the conversation going. You can do this by flirting deeper and, as long as you have good profile photos of yourself, women won’t see you as some weird old man trying to get some young donuts.
And please don’t be that boring slob who asks ridiculous questions to try to keep the conversation active. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. Those questions you ask your 5th cousin on family parties, “Where are you from?” or “What do you do for fun?” And, the worst of all: “What do you do for a living?”
Yeah, you won’t be getting shit with lines like these. You will have better luck with those questions with a street skank in your hood town than someone you’re trying to convert from Bumble.
If you sparked up a convo and you see it’s starting to die down, keep in mind: the best Bumble conversations are when two people are chatting quickly. One idea moves to the next, and the next thing you know, you guys are kissing underneath the mistletoe. The more people you chat with, the more you will master the skill of engagement, so don’t be afraid: take the chance and go for it, little one.
Step 5: Ask for the date.
Here’s the greatest tip you’ll ever get: humans love comfort. If you want to get anything worthwhile done, though, you have to forget the comfort. That’s not how your mother brought you into this world. No sir, she was feeling uncomfortable the whole time, pushing that big head of yours out of her ‘vagine’. But, in order for her to pop you out, she had to step out of the comfort zone and do what was not comfortable.
Basically, this is what it takes to move on to the next step. Chatting with a girl and holding up a great conversation is good and all but, after all, if you don’t ask them out, you’re pretty much asking for the ‘pet zone’ treatment.
There are a million different ways you can ask someone out on Bumble. If you don’t know how, why don’t you check out my conversation with this chick, Natalie.
[And, yeah: she was one hot Bumblebae]
Me: I’ve had a crush on you for the last hour.
Natalie: Oh wow: you putting me pretty up there on the scale huh?
Me: What can I say, I normally go for 8s but I guess I’ll settle for a 10 😀
Natalie: Sounds like you’re settling up to me.
Me: That’s not the only thing that’s up.
Natalie: Big talk from behind a keyboard.
Me: You’ll have to let me show you in person. Say, next Thursday?
Natalie: What do you wanna do?
Me: Besides “Natalie”? We could start with drinks at Ocean Pub.
Natalie: I love Ocean Pub. You’ve got yourself a date, sir!
As you can see, what gets the job done is simplicity. That’s right, this is something they just don’t teach in society, nowadays, but it’s all it takes to seal the deal.
Now, if they just aren’t interested in you, don’t go hitting up your depressed friends to get drunk or go to the strip club to spend your evening hanging out with weird sluts and crackheads. Be a smart human being and learn to move on.
It’s not a big deal. Repeat after me: “Thanks for the good convo.” Then move the F* on to the next person. You’ve still got quite the list to get through. Now, if every single one of them rejects you, we’ve got a problem. Well, you do.
At this point, you have everything necessary to justify giving up and just going with the same sex. It’s clearly meant to be. (JK. Keep swiping ’til one of them goes through your sales funnel. Eventually, you will succeed if you persist).
Now, for the things you never do. And, when I say this, open your damn ears and listen to me like you mean it: Do not keep chatting with someone off and on for weeks and weeks. You will never get the chance to make that person your next date. She will forget about you and your intentions of love with her and her interests will disappear entirely. She’ll move on to someone else who is not setting themselves up as her personal dog.
If you think you had a pretty good convo with her, take action and ask them out. If it doesn’t work, it probably wasn’t as good of a convo as you thought.
Step 6: Nail down the logistics.
If your mom didn’t teach you this I will: at the end of the day, you are asking someone out on a date via an app. It is best to make plans for the week you’re currently in. Don’t wait like a year when you have plenty of great momentum with this person right now.
So be a good damn leader (and, no, Hilter is a terrible example), and plan something like grabbing a simple drink as soon as possible. Do not take the damn person to a club, either, they’re going to think you are a slut or a true man whore. Go to the bar for one or two softies, or coffee. For this last one, I do not recommend Dunkin’ Donuts. Terrible coffee that makes people shit on the floor. If your stomach is strong, wonderful. But you don’t know if your future partner’s stomach is strong enough to resist the force of a coffee flavored shit slide rushing out of them at 50 MPH. He or she might get schwifty, right there in the middle of the old DD and, trust me, you do not want that. Not even Rick Sanchez would recommend that.
So plan something that best fits in with your week’s schedule and roll with it. Since you are the one asking for the date, do not look like a loser and have your future partner pick where you guys go. You’re going to look like a dumb bag.
Have few ideas in mind or, if you’re brain-damaged (and there there are many of them around), ask your best friend ‘Siri’ or Android’s ‘Cortana’ to Google “What to do around + [your city]”. This will give you a list of local blogs to help you navigate what to do in your area. Show your leadership and don’t be a little b*tch.
Step 7: Keep it fresh.
Once you have both agreed on a spot for your magical time together, do not be a savage animal from the Amazon jungle and ghost the person. And do not be a little needy ass, texting and chatting with the person every day leading up to the date. Only text on the very last day before the date.
Step 8: Show up.
Okay, it’s the big day. Do or die time. Do not screw the pooch and infect me with ebola okay, you guys. I’ve worked so hard to get you here. This is the moment where you rise or completely put all my hard work and sweat down into a rat sewer. Believe me when I say, I’m not going to take shit from you on this – hell no. I will beat your ass with my grandma’s 72 years old World War II flipflops. I’ve learned many hard lessons from that goddamned flip flop — that thing wrapped this ass for most of my childhood.
Don’t puss out on the last day and not show up. This is the part where everything starts to make sense. It is important. Whatever you do, do not think of this as a super big deal because your ass is going to be sweating, and that’s never good. We need to keep things dry and under the control (especially your ass). Show up, hug the person hello, and get down to business. Tell that person how excited you are to meet them. How great they look. Don’t make stuff awkward. Stop it. I can see you making it awkward. Roll with the conversation and think of that person as if you’ve known them for a very long time. This will put out the energy you want that person to swallow.
Remember, kid: no matter how things go here, you have already tasted success by converting that person from the app. The fact that you guys are sitting together in a bar looking at each other — that’s the win.
Great job, buddy. You should be proud of yourself and no I am not sucking you off to build your confidence, put your dick back in your pants. I am telling you the truth. The truth no one wants to say is that Bumble is easy. Swiping, matching and chatting are all easy. But actually getting someone to come out on a date… well, that’s the hard part, isn’t it? It’s going to take some practice. The more you practice, the more experience you will get. The more experience you make for yourself, the more confident you will be on your next date.
And, if your date doesn’t work out, take your phone right back out and convert another one. You’ve got everything you need to do this over and over until one works for you. And, even if she wasn’t the right fit, you’ve already forgotten all about her dumb ass, right?
The next steps are all pretty simple. Get pregnant. Get married. Get documented. Get that American dream. It’s all laid out in the law and completely above board. The only people who seem to ever have a problem with it also seem like the kind of people not getting any sex to begin with, so don’t worry about their opinions.
As the New American Economy puts it: “[A large undocumented population] is a problem for society. It undermines law and order, permits a shadow economy that is harder to regulate, and is simply unfair to the millions of immigrants who have come here legally.”
What more American solution is there to this problem than to get legalized, come on over and start a family? Well? Don’t just stand there with your dick in your hands – to the Bumblecave!
Disclaimer: The information provided here is not intended to constitute legal advice. All information, content, and material on this site are for general informational purposes only. For immigration information, please consult with a real lawyer and not my dumb ass.
How To Choose The Right Outdoor patio Furniture?
A complete home is signified by their indoor and outdoor living space in some cases. How you enjoy the moments of good weather with other individuals in the organic settings adds to the experience of a well established living space. This can encompass holiday parties, BBQ’s, family reunions etc. Now choosing the right Outdoor patio furniture so you can be the center of all the attention will require you to have a bit of common knowledge under your belt.
In this article we will be covering just that and more so that you are fully equipped to begin your search for the right outdoor patio furniture for your home.
Why Should You Create An Outdoor Patio
There are many reasons as to why a homeowner should look to cultivate their outdoor patio living space. One of the seasons being that it will substantially increase the value of your home. On average most homeowners are able to sell their homes at a 10% increase with outdoor patio furnishings added to their living space.
Moreover, cultivating a backyard oasis is the perfect strategy to become a host for any kind of social gatherings and events. Birthdays, Holiday occasions, or random get togethers are included in these gatherings. It can prove to be a cheaper alternative to going out to bars or clubs and with menial risks in play as well.
How To Cultivate Your Outdoor Living Space
First and foremost, you must take into consideration the physical amount of space that you have in your outdoor area. You will need to leave room so you can easily move around the furniture, pull out chairs, or recline seats back fully. If you have a small porch, you may not be able to fit a full outdoor dining set and will need to compromise on a smaller piece of furniture.
In order to begin furnishing your outdoor living space what you will primarily want to focus on is the space that you have to work with. Take a full measurement of the space you’d like to furnish.
This can help you in the planning or pre planning phase of where you’d like to set up your furniture pieces and ultimately make the process less of a trial and error venture.
You will need 2 different kinds of measurements to depict an accurate sizing of your outdoor living space:
- Find the square footage of your deck or yard by finding its length x width of the area.
- Find the surface area of your space by sectioning off the space if it is not a perfect square or rectangle and calculate the square footage of each individual section.
- Finding the surface area in this regard can help you visualize what pieces of furniture can fit into each section of the outdoor space.
Depending on whether or not you are the homeowner of your living space can also play a part in what furniture types you use to furnish your patio with.
In most cases where an individual is renting a property it may not be the most ideal solution to furnish their outdoor space with dubious amounts of heavy or large types of furniture. This can potentially be a considerable obstacle if and when the renter decides to move to another home location.
In this situation an alternative would be utilizing smaller or lightweight furniture to furnish this space to minimize the inconvenience of moving the furniture when that day arrives.
Another obstacle some renters face is whether or not certain furniture types and colors are allowed to be used to decorate a living space. There are some landlords who provide restrictions on certain aesthetics in open and visible spaces to protect the integral design of the property as a whole.
On the other hand if you are the owner of your living space then you automatically have many more options as to how you want your outdoor space to be designed. You would essentially have the final say in the type of coloring and furniture types you use to decorate with.
Plan For The Weather
Before furnishing your outdoor living space it is vital that you plan for the weather or climate. Weather plays a big part in determining how long your furniture lasts outside under the sun so it is best to keep an eye open for certain materials that thrive in your weather conditions.
Buying the wrong type of furniture in this case can increase the rate of weathering and deterioration for your furniture so it is best not to sweep this aspect of patio planning under the rug.
For instance for those who find themselves living next to the ocean or other large bodies of water it is best to abstain from furnishing your patio with metal furniture types they are more prone to rust. An alternative for this setting would be to go for synthetic materials or coated wood types of furniture to counteract water damage.
In windier climates it is best to use heavier types of furnishings to avoid your pieces being moved around the space due to the strong winds.
In climates of regular heat, owners should look for furniture types that have lighter hues to avoid attracting the sunlight which will inevitably make the piece too hot to sit on. Lighter colors will also counteract the color fading qualities of too much sunlight that typically occurs in darker and vibrant colors.
Canopies and umbrellas can be put into the setting to counteract the effects of the sunlight but moreover you can opt in for wooden materials as metal and synthetic materials typically tend to get a lot hotter.
Cold weather also works in deteriorating the materials used in your outdoor patio furniture. Wood can crack when the spring heat rolls back in after being too cold for months and other materials can freeze over to be too cold to sit on.
It is suggested that in periods of extreme cold weather a homeowner properly stores their furniture properly or uses a furniture covering to counteract the cold.
Rain can be the most active factor that deteriorates your outdoor patio furniture. In wooden types of furniture rain will work to soften its structure and in metal the rain will prompt the progress of rust to occur.
In climates where rain is common it is suggested to use synthetic resin built furniture pieces as these are essentially immune to the weathering effects of rain. Moreover, synthetic resin dries incredibly faster than wood or metal frameworks.
Furniture Covers are the best solution in climates with regular periods of rain to protect your pieces.
Buying On a Budget
To avoid any potential disappointments when you are browsing stores or websites for your outdoor patio furnishings you will need to evaluate your intended budget for this project. Depending on what material is used for an individual piece of furniture or patio set heavily correlates to the pricing of the piece.
Most of the time they can be a bit pricey, especially the flashier ones. But all is not lost. There are plenty of classy and beautiful alternatives to giving up an arm and a leg for the teak sofa.
As with most types of furniture, higher quality materials tend to come at a higher price.
Allow yourself to slowly build your dream patio over time. Resist the temptation to go all out at once for a set as this can significantly benefit your funds. Opt- in for the one piece at a time to save yourself a bit of buying power.
Best Season To Purchase Outdoor Furniture
When you are looking for furniture pieces or sets at a discounted price you will want to wait for seasonal offers to occur after the fact. The season in reference is typically after the summer towards the beginning of autumn. In this part of the year deals and discounts are ramped through the industry and you will likely find mahogany furniture at much more affordable price options.
However, if you want the best variety of options, start shopping towards the end of winter. This is usually when stores are getting in their latest shipments for the upcoming designs for spring and summer.
For the most ideal rates and discounts shop for furniture pieces directly after the winter. These dramatic price drops are typically due to distributors receiving their new shipments for the upcoming season and will need to sell off the leftovers from last year to make inventory space as quickly as possible.
Cultivating your home’s outdoor patio setting can be an exciting and very rewarding experience for you and family. It represents the awesome future possibilities of endless game nights, BBQ’s and other social gathering experiences that just adds a bit more flavor to your life as a whole. We hope this article has aided you in the buying process of what materials to look out for and when to shop the market for your furniture pieces.
Also Read: Is white outdoor furniture a bad idea?
Is white outdoor furniture a bad idea? ￼
With more and more homeowners looking to enter the outdoor patio furniture scene. Many of these individuals are looking to furnish their outdoor living space with only the best of the best-looking furniture and color schemes. “What color sets look best on my outdoor patio?” “What material furniture should I purchase if I want to leave my furniture under the elements?” What’s in style and what’s out of style, seems to be on the forefront of any homeowner’s mind regarding how they decorate their outside patio. Well, wonder no more folks. We’ve got a scoop on some pretty simple tips you should look out for when purchasing your outdoor patio furniture.
Below we have tackled some of the most popular questions on soon-to-be outdoor patio owners, let’s get right into it.
Should I Mix & Match Materials In My Furniture Look?
Well the short answer, without a doubt you should. Many people look for a Diverse selection of furniture materials to give their outdoor living space more of a pop in the eye and an overall ensemble-esque look. Think of it as an orchestra, you have a mixture of different stimulations from the low end, the cellos and bass, and from the high end, you have the viola and violin. All of these different frequencies make a beautiful sound or in this case a look.
A mixture of wooden material can go with kinds of dark metal and vice versa, the options are almost unlimited with how many different combinations a homeowner can come up with to decorate their outdoor living space, so get creative, you’ve got plenty of options.
How Can You Mix And Match Your Furniture’s Look?
Well first note there is no right way to create a piece of art, think of your outdoor patio furniture as a reflection of the homeowner’s style. Do what compliments your taste for starters. Enable yourself to grab the passion of creating what not only you and your family but others will enjoy but others too!
While you are gaining the passion for creating your own unique outdoor patio style, here are a few pointers when making sure your patio is up to the latest beauty standards. There are a few things to mix and match up that are scientifically proven to be captivating to the eye. These designs incorporate different aspects of the outdoor patio furniture look including the throw pillow, to the materials of the furniture themselves, and even the rugs underneath, or the drapes or ceiling fans above.
There are quite a few factors that go into making a good set of outdoor furniture but don’t let that deter you. Introducing the “Rule of Three”, this popular piece of design lingo is widely known within the industry. The rule of three states that if one thing is repeated three times then there is a neural connection in the human brain that recognizes a group.
This is one of the more widely accepted methods of mixing and matching. One section of your ensemble contains three either same colored or same material built items, and then the next section, and so on. This can create a unique look of passion and effort along with order and class. Sometimes the uniform look can just get a little boring if everything were to be blended in with one another.
Arrange By Construction Material
Mix And Match Based Off Of Materials
This is where the fun part happens. The pride and joy of any outdoor patio furniture is well the furniture. To be a bit more specific the type of furniture present in the outdoor patio ensemble. It is a good point to remember the rule of three when mixing and matching your materials. You can have a section dedicated to darkness and this could be the frames and pillows etc. you have complete freedom to get inspired.
An outdoor favorite consists of lighter hues to get the job done, yet those who regularly get together outside in the evening could go for a more autumn theme.
Arrange By Layout
Let’s say you have two furniture sets made from two different materials – one set is wicker, and the other is metal. Instead of mixing the two sets up, you can separate them into two physically distinct areas. Maybe the wicker will be for deep seating and the metal for dining.
Design Your Layout
For some homeowners, the outdoor patio furniture consists of multiple sections like a lounge area and an area to eat. If this sounds like your patio you can arrange your patio furniture by layout. In one section you have a certain material that could be wood, or metal, with the same or complimenting hues, and another section containing the same theme yet a different look altogether encompassing the material furniture type and color schemes.
In this outdoor patio furniture style, it can feel like an adventure. It can create the sense of reading a book even when you and your guests are moving on into a different section of the homeowner’s patio; it could resemble reading a different page of the same book.
The idea is to create two physically separated groups, so that the difference in style won’t be so obvious.
Use rugs to create a separation of the two groupings or planters. Or, create separate areas with statuary or hanging ornaments. Sure, you’ll probably still be able to see both groupings at once, so use color to unify them.
To boost that illustration further there could be a separator between the two sections. A sculpture, different levels of elevation, agriculture, pools, the list could go on. Yet even going as far as to make the separator, whatever may be part of the design should also be included. In this scenario, you could have a section dedicated to black colors and dark wood or metal furniture, a dark gray separator, and a completely different section of white outdoor patio furniture. The options are really endless.
While we’re here let’s address a quick subject.
Is Outdoor White Furniture A Bad Idea?
This is an interesting question because with the endless combinations of mixing and matching available to the homeowner there wouldn’t ever be a reason to say that white furniture is a bad idea. Not a reason in design that is. In Practicality, it does carry a bit more substance.
So, is white outdoor furniture a bad idea?
Short answer: yes.
Long answer: Yes, however! There are multiple things that can lead to a homeowner getting a headache from their white outdoor furniture. Dirty stains, overbearing heat, and high maintenance to name a few. Yet from a perspective of design and even persistence to keep a white furniture outdoor patio clean this can be absolutely astonishing.
White outdoor patio furniture can carry a lot of risks like stains from spilled drinks. White furniture can be a bad idea outside for practical reasons because if it gets messy well it will take a bit of effort to clean up depending on the material you choose.
The best solution, in this case, would be to incorporate lighter colored hues into the material of the hard furniture itself. For instance, a white marble table and chair with dark-colored fabrics inside and synonymous table garnish could make for a formidable outdoor patio design.
As an added plus the lighter hues of the hard material can generally be a whole lot easier to clean up.
We recommend to any homeowner looking to win the best-looking outdoor patio design in the neighborhood to minimize the white in fabrics as much as you can if you can help with the constant maintenance. If you are fully determined and equipped to get out the possible stains and dirt and dust then go for it, any of the standard’s extreme ranges of the color scale ( blacks and whites ) can really add to the pop and overall class of the setting.
For another, more low-maintenance colors utilize darker hues. These dark hues will make it very hard for dirt and other stains to pop up causing unsightly messes. While blacks may absorb a lot of the temperatures under a harsh beating sun, the hue is low maintenance as it can hide a few accidents here and there, still, tho cleanliness is key to bringing everything together seamlessly.
While there are many options available for future outdoor patio owners, experimentation is key. There are many small enhancements to the setting one can implement to mix and match certain looks. Not all of the pressure is necessarily on what kind of furniture you use.
Designing your outdoor patio can be a thrill of an experience and lots of homeowners love taking the opportunity to express themselves by creating extra space that is homey and will cater for many future gatherings to come. There is not a single right way to design your patio, as long as you don’t hold back on spilling your passion into the project you won’t have a single regret. Happy designing!
Available Outdoor Furniture Sets:
The Dangers of Black Hat SEO to Your Website
Many people believed that SEO was a deceptive marketing practice that involved fine-tuning the algorithm and using ways to persuade search engines that your website was the greatest result for search engines.
Many individuals, especially marketers at the time, believed that this was true, as with many new notions that appear on the horizon. This was never true a decade later. SEO experts created this strategy and concentrated their efforts on providing the greatest content to appear as the best result on many search engine pages in an organic manner. It’s now being commonly utilized by many companies who are dedicated to creating a strong online presence.
Google was not as advanced as it is now, but with its increased technical breakthroughs, it is simpler to recognize people who are attempting to “finesse” the algorithm. Black Hat SEO is a regularly utilized, yet frowned upon and unlawful, strategy employed by marketers to rank their websites. It’s critical to understand these strategies and the costs of engaging in Black Hat SEO. In this article, we will expand on the dangers of Black Hat SEO to your website.
What is Black Hat SEO?
The term “black hat SEO” refers to a collection of SEO tactics intended to boost a website’s ranking on search engine results pages (SERPs), which seems fairly innocent, but these practices violate search engines’ terms of service. The phrase “black hat” arose from the influence of western cinema. Black caps identify the bad ones, whereas white hats identify the good guys.
Appearing in search results is critical for business success, but there is a proper and incorrect method to achieve it. Black lack hat SEO is the incorrect route when it comes to securing a place on the first page of search engines.
Black hat SEO attempts to manipulate search engine algorithms rather than creating actual content that’s beneficial for the human race to digest. Instead of earning the right to rank high on search engine results pages, black hat SEO employs dubious methods to get you there. Continuous usage of black hat SEO strategies is more likely to harm than help your search engine presence.
Many fraudulent SEO businesses, computer hackers, and people who are just unscrupulous utilize black hat SEO. It is critical to understand that including any Black Hat SEO practices into your approach may result in your website being blacklisted from search engines. You may believe that no one would notice, but search engines have such a sophisticated algorithm, and with its ongoing technological improvements, you will undoubtedly be discovered.
The Risks of Black Hat SEO
There are several risks associated with Black Hat SEO. It is usual to shed the dark side while reaping the benefits of these techniques, but this will have long-term detrimental implications on your website’s reputation. Crawlers in search engines are continually working and assessing websites. You can be certain that your website will be identified as a black hat practitioner over time.
Websites that use Black Hat practices have been flagged as unethical, which can hurt your rankings and drive your page down the search engines, as well as being blacklisted or prohibited.
What is White Hat SEO?
While we have covered the basics of Black Hat SEO, there is another type of SEO strategy that is diametrically opposed to what the Black Hat gurus advocate. White Hat SEO is a set of legal and organic search engine optimization strategies that are aimed to boost the position of your website on search engine result pages.
White Hat SEO Techniques Examples:
- Using precise keyword research
- Creating a website for users, not only search engines
- Creating meta tags to improve relevancy
- Backlink to acceptable and reliable websites
- Link building using public-facing textual material
White Hat SEO is most commonly employed by individuals who wish to invest in their website for the long run. In contrast to Black Hat SEO, it is also known as ethical SEO. To do this, high-quality content and services must be provided, descriptive keywords must be used, and the website must be simple to use.
White Hat SEO is an Important Factor In SEO
Building a White Hat SEO is important for a website since if you don’t follow the standards, Google and other search engines may prohibit your site. Google, the world’s most popular search engine, is viewed by millions of people every day, and each visit represents the opportunity for a site to be discovered by a new user.
Google is an undeniably important source of traffic for a website, and being blacklisted can result in a significant decrease in website and even business traffic. You must consider all of the effort that is inherent in a website, as well as what would happen if it were blacklisted from the most popular search engine on the internet. Worse, once it is removed from Google, there is no assurance it will ever be featured again. A Google ban for life would have far-reaching ramifications for a website.
Black Hat SEO Vs. White Hat SEO
There is a huge difference between these two marketing tactics; white hat follows Google’s guidelines and develops an SEO plan that improves user experience while providing unique content. Black hat is a strategy that violates Google’s criteria and is often meant to not revolve around the human user; it is just concerned with high ranking.
The hazards of black hat SEO are emphasized by SEO practitioners because they decrease the originality of what SEO can genuinely achieve for your organization. SEO is one of the most powerful marketing strategies for increasing a company’s income and brand awareness. While this is popular, there are SEO agencies who believe in ranking your business the right way.
If you are a company owner who wants to market your brand and expand your services to everyone who is seeking it. White Hat SEO strategies will benefit you more than the other. Actually, if we’re being honest, no firm should use black hat methods; if they do, they’re gaming the system and will eventually be detected by Google crawlers.
If you made up your mind and you want to hire a good SEO partner, you should do your research before moving forward with anybody. See their case studies, understand their processes and ask them to break down their SEO campaigns so you can be sure that they build everything organically and that they’re not utilizing any Black Hat SEO methods for their clients.
Common Black Hat Techniques in SEO
Google penalizes black hat methods, whether intentional or unintentional. It’s critical to understand what goes into your SEO strategy, especially if it demonstrates evidence of unnatural, unethical practices. The following are the most prevalent Black Hat SEO strategies:
Most SEOs will deny doing it. Reputable SEOs overtly oppose purchased link development, and for good reason: Buying or selling links is a violation of Google’s Webmaster Guidelines and will result in a penalty if found.
A #1 Orlando SEO service provider Web Daytona found that 2 out of 5 new clients came from previous SEO agencies utilizing Black Hat SEO techniques which heavily focused on purchasing backlinks from private link vendors and Fiverr sellers. This study also revealed that most of the companies who used Black Hat SEO as their strategy eventually were impacted by some sort of penalty or encountered difficulty in future rankings.
Purchasing links is an approach that holds a lot of risk and is frequently associated with Black Hat SEO. Buying backlinks might land you in a lot of trouble if done incorrectly. We realize that some SEO firms see this as a simple technique to gain connections that will quickly boost your rankings. However, the hazards are too great, and it is not worth the risks.
Keyword stuffing is a Black Hat SEO strategy that is regarded as spam. This is the technique of inserting the keywords you want to rank for into your website’s meta tags, on-site content, and anchor texts, giving you an unfair edge in search engines.
Years ago, this procedure was thought to be accurate. Although, in today’s world, it is frowned upon and discouraged by search engines. Historically, keyword stuffing was a powerful SEO tactic that might propel your material to higher search engine ranks.
Regrettably, that is no longer the case. Keyword stuffing is no longer beneficial to your search rankings. Keyword stuffing might also cause your website to fall in rankings, which is the contrary of what you want.
Duplicate Content isn’t entirely Black Hat SEO, but it is a strategy that should be avoided if someone is planning a Black Hat campaign to rank their website. Google does not formally establish that it is harmful to your results since Google crawlers recognize that disseminating a certain piece of material across all platforms might benefit the truth.
Although there is a limit to this, the majority of search engines want to promote unique content for the public, and having too much content of the same thing become duplicated will not only be detrimental to the credibility of your brand’s website, but it will also slightly harm your website’s increasing movement on SERPs.
Link spamming occurs when you add links on websites, discussion boards, forums, blog comments, directories, and other places. Link spammers place backlinks on pages and websites without regard for context in order to manipulate search engine results and boost your website’s ranking.
Many SEO experts believe that generating original content that works for your audience and making correct use of links is enough to develop a healthy growth on SERPs. When certain professionals have a goal of ranking their clients higher, they will go to any length to achieve that aim.
Links should be earned rather than purchased or imposed onto a certain audience. Be aware that if you are a respectable website providing backlinks to another website, if their website is not reliable or has incorrect information, it may harm your website’s ranks as well.
Cloaking entails displaying one piece of material to consumers while displaying a separate piece of content to search engines. Websites using black hat SEO will do this in order for their content to rank for a number of unrelated phrases. Spam websites will frequently use this to avoid a search engine bot discovering the spam material they deliver to consumers.
It is permissible to tailor your content to various user groups. You might, for example, reduce the size of your website when someone views from a mobile device. You might even modify the language of a website based on the country from which someone is visiting. To support its content, a popular publication may alter the advertising that shows on a page. These are perfectly acceptable instances. So long as you’re not merely modifying the material that search engine crawlers see.
There are no hard and fast rules for determining what is and is not appropriate; the best advice is to ask yourself, “Does what you aim to do solve for the user?” If it does, then it’s OK. Search engine bots that crawl your site should be treated the same as any other visitor.
It would be incorrect to believe that all black hat SEO strategies are employed to rank for personal gain. Some SEO professionals employ negative SEO to try to lower their competitors’ ranks. Consider utilizing the same black hat SEO strategies to boost ranks on a website you’re attempting to rank, but having someone else do the same thing to you.
Be wary of these unethical techniques; this is typically used to point out a large number of faulty backlinks to someone else’s domains in the hopes that they would be penalized, allowing them to come in and take over those ranks.
The saying quality over quantity plays a huge part when it comes to comparing black hats to white hats. As appealing as it sounds to rapidly get your website on the first page, the reality hits when coming to the realization that you must put in the active effort and instill patience with any SEO campaign.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and if it was, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be standing how long it’s been standing today. Architects took their time and calculated effort into creating such a historical site, now, it’s one of the most historical destinations in the whole world.
As a result, whether you are considering entering the SEO sector, hiring an agency to improve your SEO, or simply studying out of curiosity, learn more White Hat SEO methods rather than Black Hat SEO tactics. It will benefit you in the long term, and you will be resistant to any harm caused by Black Hat SEO.
Also Read: Top 10 Best Orlando SEO Companies
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